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Sunday, December 11, 2016

All Right Then

***

This letter was sent to my sister, a grieving Mom who held her dead child in her arms until the police separated them, right in her own front yard. I am authorized by my family, by the Founding Fathers and by God to respond:

Dear Ms. Heller,

By way of introduction, please know that I have been retained by the Redmond Funeral Home to demand that you cease and desist all contact with the Redmond Funeral Home.

I understand that you have contacted the Paw Paw Michigan State Police post no fewer than 37 times, that you have posted many untrue things on the internet, and that you have been sighted driving by the funeral home on several occasions, among other things. You have made numerous negative postings on social media regarding my client.

My client respectfully demands that you cease and desist all such activity, have no further relationship to the funeral home, and that you retain an attorney and file a lawsuit should you feel the need to do so. My client further demands that you refrain from all social media postings whatsoever. Should you feel the need to contact the Redmond Funeral Home, I respectfully request that you do so through my office. Lastly, should you fail to conduct yourself accordingly, my client has asked me to file a Complaint in the Circuit Court seeking an injunction restricting your conduct.

For these reasons, the Redmond Funeral Home demands that you agree in writing to immediately cease and desist from all future conduct and untruthful allegations that you have alleged. 

Very truly yours, 


Lewis Reed & Allen PC 

Ronald W Ryan

(It was cc'd to Martha Redmond.)

***

Very quickly, line by line:

Thanks for the intro, I'm Paul Heller. Please know that I'm a jury consultant in my spare time, that I have handled some pretty big cases in which I worked with and against some very good attorneys... And this letter is less than sterling, in my professional opinion, and other legal minds I know concur. Here's why.

"I understand that you have contacted the Paw Paw Michigan State Police post no fewer than 37 times..."

Ms. Heller is perfectly aware how many times she has been in contact with the Paw Paw Michigan State Police post. If her regular contact there worked at the Wayland post, she would have contacted the Wayland post 37 times -- anyway, it's more like 40 by now. Also, the State Police say they didn't call your firm about it, so...

"... that you have posted many untrue things on the internet..."

Well, what is an "untrue thing"? I can post that I believe in Unicorns, which is an untrue thing in that (A) I don't really believe in them because (B) they don't exist. But I can post it on the internet. As a matter of fact, I just did.

"... and that you have been sighted driving by the funeral home on several occasions..."

The funeral home, a big gaudy thing that looks like a cross between a bank and a plantation, is situated on Kalamazoo's main traffic artery, literally 4 blocks South of her home, and is also located across the street from Charlie's resting place. Additionally, Ms. Heller does not own a motor vehicle.

"...among other things."

List 'em.

"You have made numerous negative postings on social media regarding my client."

List 'em, I said. Go for it. I dare you to publicly reveal the complaints and concerns, however indelicately worded, that my sister has made about your client and her employee. Or I can.

"My client respectfully demands that you cease and desist all such activity, have no further relationship to the funeral home, and that you retain an attorney and file a lawsuit should you feel the need to do so."

In order: No, it depends, and... Okay.

"My client further demands that you refrain from all social media postings whatsoever."

Wow; really unbelievable. To paraphrase the late, great Molly Ivins, that sentence probably comes across less awkwardly in its original German version. Astonishing. Ridiculous... Illegal?

"Should you feel the need to contact the Redmond funeral home I respectfully request that you do so through my office."

Oh, so after making no small amount of pointy demands, you're suddenly softening your stance and making a respectful request? She respectfully declines.

"Lastly, should you fail to conduct yourself accordingly, my client has asked me to file a Complaint in the Circuit Court seeking an injunction restricting your conduct."

That sounds more serious than getting sent to the principal's office. While you're down there, you can file a Complaint against whatever ham sandwich seems to have upset you so.

"For these reasons, the Redmond Funeral Home demands that you agree in writing to immediately cease and desist from all future conduct and untruthful allegations that you have alleged."


Quite honestly, that's about all I'd really expect from a Hillsdale College graduate. You have your answer, sir. Now if you'll pardon me, I'm going to say a few things to your boss.

***

Since Dean Lewis croaked a few years ago and Fred Allen has retired, that just leaves Mr. Reed, to whom I say this: I know every ugly thing about your alleged client, because it's all a matter of public record. 

You tell Bill Redmond he isn't the only guy who will stick up for his sister. The difference is that mine lost her son, and his employs a pedophile, who had access to her boy's body.

Official Response: Try me. The last guy who did found it not to his liking.  Go one step further in this sick charade, and you and your client will find out what I can really do as a researcher and a writer... Not this Vaudeville act, I assure you.

pH 12.11.16

***

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