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Saturday, July 16, 2016

Correspondence Course


Just like they did back in the heyday of LUNCH Magazine, the people are speaking... Well, they're asking questions, anyway. I will try to answer the ones that seem to be the most common. What follows is sort of like the tallowy fat that's so hard to clean off the screw augur after all the meat has been ground. Chewy:


Q:  Was your nephew one of those plays-video-games-all-day kind of kids, or did he like to go out and do dangerous stuff? - Titus Brunson, Portage, Indiana

A:  Yes. Charlie enjoyed both of those pursuits immensely. Screen time was preferred, of course, but he loved swimming, trampoline jumping, bike riding, tree climbing, sledding, you name it. He was also into all manner of sports, playing soccer, tennis, golf, baseball, bowling... Even judo.


Q:  It is coming up on the one-year "anniversary" of Charlie's passing. A tough day for sure? - Ignacio Albatrosso, Osceola, Florida

A:  It will be tough, for everyone who knew him, to be reminded by that milestone. Of course. But we don't wish to blacken any square on the calendar. The date itself deserves no particular infamy. The 26th of July did not do anything wrong.


Q:  Do you think Charlie would of grown up to be a Democrat or a Republican? - Margaret McGill, Springsteen, New Jersey

A:  I feel safe in saying that, from the moment of his birth, Charlie Wolf had it in his mind that he was going to be an Independent.


Q:  Kinda sad, thinking how he lived his entire lifetime in a country at war... Do you think Charlie understood that in any sense? - Max Rockatansky, Perth, Australia

A:  He sure did. Charlie rests right next to his grandma and her husband, who was a U.S. Army veteran. With my Dad being an Air Force veteran, and my brother having served in the Army, Charlie was keen on the military. In fact, one of his neatest days came at the Air Zoo in Portage, when he got to meet scores of World War II veterans who were being honored there.


Q:  If you had to guess, what would you say was your nephew Charlie's favorite food? - Sarah Lee, Philadelphia, Mississippi

A:  By far, it was pepperoni and milk. (I've tried it. Not bad.)


Q:  So, you really worked with that (expletive) investigator at Pizza Hut? You're not bullshittin' about that part? What was he like back then? - Savannah Moss, Buckhead, Georgia

A:  Ironically, yes. Kai Cronin and I were both Pizza Hut delivery drivers in the early 1990s. He was a quiet guy, kept to himself, mostly... His brother Matt was nice enough.


Q:  Who is it in your County that has the authority to overrule the suicide determination on your nephew's death certificate, as determined - incredulously, I might add - by this Medical Examiner, Joyce deJong? - A. Dershowitz, Joliet, Illinois

A:  That would be Joyce deJong. It's how she's managed to maintain such a stellar batting average over the years. Probably what underpins her massive obstinacy in the case.


Q:  Obviously, your sister must be seeing a grief counselor. What about you? - Polly Hannah, Truth or Consequences, New Mexico

A:  Yes, she is. I have a grief counselor, too... His name is Leo Fender.


Q:  How can you NOT be a pessimist and say, "It can't get any worse?" - Sam Clemens, Deertick, Montana

A:  I'm actually an optimist - I believe it can!


Q:  You act like you know everything about everything. You're not a lawyer. Where do you get off making all these accusations against the authorities who control your miserable existence? - Dom Rabbits, Lapeer, Michigan

A:  Well, I did write the Pre-Jury Selection Questionnaire in the Bob Bashara murder trial in Detroit a couple of years ago, when I worked at Decision Research... He got convicted, but hey.


Q:  You are going up against some very wealthy interests in this. You know what they say about how the rich and powerful take care of their problems... Aren't you worried about the Powers That Be retaliating against you? - Otto Bleishtift, Newton, Kansas

A:  Not really.


Q:  No matter what happens, this won't bring him back. What difference does it make? You know the truth in your hearts. Maybe you should let it go. - Corey-Reese Manci, Pismo, California

A:  Keep surfing, dude. Keeeep surfing.

pH 7.16.16


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